We all want to fit in, to have people like us, to have friends. And we all have times when we feel like we don’t fit in, like people don’t like us, or we wish we had more friends. Life is hard sometimes. Teen years can be especially confusing.
Stereotypes about what it means to be a teenager or to be cool can be overwhelming. We see media portrayals ~ in TV shows, Netflix, movies, and in all forms of social media ~ offering stereotypes as ways we should be in the world. These ideas are everywhere. It can be easy to start to believe them as fact. And confusing.
So what does it mean to be a stereotypical girl or boy or teenager? Do you ever find yourself pretending something happened, or exaggerating what happened, to try and fit in, to be cool?
If so, you’re in good company.
Sometimes that pressure to be what others expect or to fit in leads us to do things that feel unsafe, for ourselves or someone else. For example – have you ever kissed someone because you didn’t think it was cool or okay to say no? Have you every bragged about something that didn’t actually happen to sound more experienced? Perhaps tried something you weren’t sure you really wanted to? Afterwards, did you feel good about your choice? Or maybe, you felt like you’d abandoned yourself a bit…
One area where you might feel a lot of pressure is around sex. It can be easy to feel like everyone else is doing it, and to think you have to, too. Research shows that teens’ perception of how much sex their friends are having – those social and media stereotypes – actually has a lot more impact than real life peer pressure. That means that even if you have a great group of friends who listen and support you, those messages get into your head and can mess with you. Not fair, I know.
The good news is, you do have a choice. In fact you have a lot of choices.
Here are some facts that are helpful to know:
- Drunk or drugged sex is never consensual – if you’re with someone and aren’t sure if they are sober enough to decide to be physical, maybe it’s best to wait until you’re both sober enough to really enjoy it.
- Even if you’re with or dating someone, you still have the right to say no. Forcing someone you’re in a relationship with to have sex is called intimate partner rape.
- Having sex with someone once does not automatically mean you always have to have sex when they ask. Each time is it’s own experience. And trust me, you’ll both have a better time if you’re both into it.
- Sex means different things to different people. You get to decide what it means to you, and what you are ready for.
- Consent is not the absence of NO, it is an ENTHUSIASTIC YES!
So how do you figure out what you really want and talk about it with your boyfriend/girlfriend/whoever?
With my teen clients, I have a general suggestion around sex and intimacy – if you can’t talk about it with someone, then you’re not ready to do it. After all, consent requires communication. And while it’s common knowledge that 80% or more of our communication is nonverbal, when it comes to all things sex it’s important to ask. Not to mention, being able to say what you do and do not like will make the experience so much better. And waiting until you feel safe with the person you are with is critical.
Sex can be confusing, exciting, overwhelming, fun, pressured, so many things. Hopefully you have someone in your life you can talk with about these things. If not, feel free to reach out.