I’ve been thinking a lot recently about self-trust vs. self-control. Do you ever have something come into your awareness, and then seem to come up again and again? That’s where I’m at with self-trust. It’s been a strong theme with clients recently, and seems to apply to many other personal conversations as well.
Our culture teaches us to seek control, discipline, and power. Do a quick search online and all sorts of “inspirational” quotes on self-control come up.
“Control your own destiny or someone else will.” ~Jack Welch
“You need self-control in an out-of-control world.” ~ James C. Collins
“Self-control is strength. Right thought is mastery. Calmness is power.” ~ James Allen
The underlying theme is that someone is in power, and it should be you.
Oren Jay Sofer writes about this in his book, Say What You Mean:
“When our needs as children didn’t align with the expectations of adults around us, what was the outcome? Usually someone got what they wanted and someone didn’t. Every time this happened, regardless of the outcome, we implicitly learned three things: (1) differences usually means someone wins and someone loses, (2) those with more power get their needs met more often, and (3) conflict is inherently dangerous because we can lose that which is important to us.”
What would it be like, instead, to cultivate trust? To believe that we are inherently trustworthy, and that others are as well? To believe that conflict can be safe, and that it is possible to have difficult conversations where everyone feels heard?
Trust comes up in so many ways relationally. It comes up in children’s behavior, in conversations with loved ones, in how we interact at work. Think about these examples and if you have had any similar experiences:
- A child has panic attacks.
Control response: Focus on fixing the problem. Teach them relaxation practices and work with a professional to treat with medication.
Trust response: Consider that the panic attacks are the child’s body’s way of communicating an ongoing unmet need. Seek to understand the root cause and address it. Work with a professional to support them in identifying early warning signs in their body and ways to self-soothe. Utilize mindfulness and relaxation practices to treat anxiety.
2. You and your partner are in an open relationship, and it’s new to you both. You have someone you are really excited about and want to spend more time with.
Control response: You inform your partner that you’ve met someone else you’re really excited about and you plan to see this new person 2-3 times a week.
Trust response: You share your excitement with your partner and talk about this new person. As part of the discussion, you check in with your partner and ask how they feel hearing your excitement. Together you discuss how to proceed with this new relationship, identifying any requests either of you have, and when you want to next check in to see how it’s going for both of you.
3. You work at a school and a parent comes in to express their upset about a recent call to CPS.
Control response: State that you are a mandated reporter and that you were required to make the call. Be clear that this was not a choice on your part and that it is part of your job to report all concerns about children under your care.
Trust response: Acknowledge their experience. Explain that all school employees are mandated reporters and share the concerns you had that led to your making the call. Talk about the steps you have taken so far to support the situation, and why you felt a call was necessary in this instance. Open a conversation about ways you may be able to work together to support this child you all care about.
The examples given as control responses are totally valid. But they tend to address the immediate desire –be it to reduce anxiety, start a new relationship, or address a parent’s concerns—and stop there. The trust responses allow space for shared vulnerability, support the idea that people are inherently trustworthy, and open the door to honest conversation.
We as a culture don’t have a high tolerance for distress. We are eager for the quick fix: the diet and/or workout plan that will give us a body we feel good about; the name or diagnosis that identifies what is going on and tells us how to fix it; the expert who can tell us what to do to be happier/healthier/beautiful/enough. At the root of it, we want to be enough, to be worthy, to be loved.
I truly believe that all behavior is communication. Sometimes it’s a child communicating a need. Sometimes it’s our own body telling us something. Sometimes it’s our partner letting us see their needs.
We have a choice, whether we’re conscious of it or not. We can lead with our need for control of the situation, or we can seek shared understanding and safety.