Such a big piece of our personal tug-of-war between trust and control has it’s roots in a desire to create safety. When the world around us feels scary or overwhelming, we seek to control our situation to feel safer.It’s a totally valid coping skill for difficult times. And like any coping skill, sometimes it’s helpful and sometimes it’s not. What do you do when life feels scary?
One place the desire to seek control comes up is in relationships. After all, being in relationships brings up all kinds of vulnerability and fears. It’s the perfect breeding ground for feeling all the feels.You see this with young children, when they try to assert their will (at times very dramatically). “You’re never listening to me! I need you to…!”
What is this child saying with their words and actions? I need your attention to feel supported right now as I try something new. When words didn’t work, or because they are tired or overwhelmed, they scream their needs with tears streaming down their otherwise sweet faces. This can be seen as a tantrum, or as a child using behavior to communicate their need to feel safe. The unspoken but clearly stated need is your attentive responsiveness.
As children, our deepest sense of safety comes from knowing that the people taking care of us see and meet our needs.
As children, many of us felt we had to appease or tend to the people around us to keep our family and ourselves safe. We learned to be hyper attuned to other people’s needs, and to diminish our own needs. We attached a sense of safety to our ability to predict and meet the needs of others. And we became really good at it.So good, perhaps, that we now have difficulty breaking that habit and allowing our own needs to surface.
This same pattern shows up as we grow up.We continue to feel that it’s easier to meet other people’s needs than our own. We create safety by tending to the people around us (controlling our environment), rather than speak our own needs. And we hope that by meeting someone else’s need, we can also meet our own.