My husband and I saw Justin Townes Earle play at the Wild Buffalo last week. It’s always a treat to see a band that is tight, comfortable on stage and with one another. You can tell they’re having fun.
True to the tradition of American singer-songwriters, Justin Townes Earle’s songs always tell a story. He gives a voice to the people of this country whose voices are not always heard. I’ve been ruminating on the title track of his new cd, Saint of Lost Causes all week. Especially these words:
“You know the folks that’s mostly afraid of the wolf. If you really stop and think throughout time, between a wolf and a shepherd, who do you think has killed more sheep?”
So many things come to mind as I listen to these words. The thought that surfaces most strongly is that this is a powerful description of relational trauma. So often, it is the shepherd – the known person who is there to tend to us in some way – who causes harm. And when this happens, especially (but not limited to) when we are children, the response is relational trauma.
Trauma is a word that is used more and more, to describe a variety of experiences. The definition I use most often with my clients is something happens that threatens our sense of safety, and we feel powerless in the face of this threat. Sometimes it’s an isolated experience – a car accident, a violent crime, a natural disaster. Other times it’s a series of repeated experiences over time – serving in the military in active duty, sexual abuse, or parental neglect. Relational trauma is more likely to occur in these later examples.
When harm happens repeatedly over time, it disrupts our sense of safety and our interpretation of what it means to love and be loved. It turns our whole way of thinking upside down and impairs our ability to trust – people, the world, even ourselves.
One of the beautiful things about being human is we have the ability to shift our inner experience, even the way our brain is wired, for as long as we are alive. If you have experienced relational harm and experience the effects today, healing is possible.
Relational harm is healed relationally. By experiencing relationships that over time prove themselves to be safe, authentic, and welcoming of all of who we are, we can relearn how to be in relationship with ourselves and others. One way this can happen is through therapy. If you are someone who lives with the impacts of relational trauma, seeking a trauma informed counselor or therapist is a great place to start your healing journey.