Is there anything as magical as having a new child in your life? As wonderful and exciting as this time can be, it is also exhausting and challenging. This is especially true as it relates to your relationship with your partner. You go from being playmates and lovers to having this huge, time-consuming, shared responsibility.
It can be easy to loose your sense of each other in the midst of parenting.
The good news is that this time as parents is also an opportunity to reconnect with your partner and to choose to make space for each other. Having to schedule time can feel like a burden, or you can think of it as a chance to be creative and make dates happen. As my partner says to me when we’re deciding about these things, “we are worth it.”
Physical intimacy can be an especially challenging shift. Your days are fuller, your privacy is significantly reduced, and you’re often just plain tired. Planning time for physical intimacy can feel off putting. And women often experience significant physical changes as mothers, which can impact sex drive and desire for touch, as well as the actual mechanics of what feels good.
These changes can be an invitation to talk to each other. As relationship and sexuality coach Dawn Serra says, sex is a social skill. Moments of spontaneous desire tend to decrease over time, and the demands of parenthood can make it hard to act on those moments when they do arise. Instead, this is a time to build your skills around responsive desire – learning how to offer an invitation of intimacy to your partner in a way that gets them excited when you have a shared moment.
This change involves communication.
If you didn’t talk much about sex beforehand, this may be especially uncomfortable. Talking about sex and intimacy isn’t something we’re all skilled at. But, like any other skill, it’s one we can learn. Think of this as an invitation to stretch yourself and step into a new space together.
Consent is also a big piece of this communication. Talking with your partner about what s/he/they like involves asking when they want you to make overtures, and for you to share the same. Quickies may start out as a fun game, “quick the child’s napping, let’s go!” Over time, the sense of playfulness can become a sense of pressured expectation. Talking is a great way to make sure you’re both into it and to take advantage of those moments to connect in an intimate way, whether or not that involves physical intimacy or leads to sex.
Get creative.
Talking about what you might like to try can be it’s own foreplay. Even if you don’t get to act on it for a while. The main idea is to continue to reach out to each other and initiate intimacy, to let your partner know that you see them as more than just your co-parent in this next stage of life.
This doesn’t mean saying yes or going along with something when you are not in the mood. I read so many articles and momma blogs about women saying yes when they don’t really want to, thinking they may get in the mood along the way, or that it’s important to meet their partner’s needs regardless of what they are feeling. And while it’s typically discussed in a gendered way, it is not a gender specific experience. Not only is saying yes when you mean no a way to abandon yourself, your partner often feels when you’re not engaged and over time that can feel like an abandonment of a different sort.
Sex is different for different people. You may have a higher or lower sex drive than your significant other. Perhaps you were pretty balanced before parenthood, but with the hormonal changes and/or new demands that come with having a child things have changed. That’s where communication and creative intimacy can be so helpful.
If it feels comfortable, start the conversation with your partner now ~ wherever you are on your journey with parenthood. It’s never too early or too late. And if it feels like something you might want some help with, feel free to reach out. I’d love to be of service.