Parenting is full of contradictions. It is fulfilling and draining, exhilarating and exhausting, joyful and challenging. I can go on and on, but you get the idea. And if you’re living it I’m sure you could add plenty of your own descriptors to the list.
One of the biggest challenges in parenting is the pressures we feel – both internal and external – to do it all right. It seems to a subject that everyone has an opinion about and wants to share it with you, whether you want to hear it or not.
In the midst of all that pressure, it can be easy to begin to feel anxious.
Should we have a hospital birth or a home birth? What parenting style is best? Should I vaccinate my child? When do we start to shop for preschools? Am I doing this right?
Things that may feel like simple decisions, where we can agree to disagree and let other people make their own choices, suddenly feel intensely dogmatic. It can even feel that in a need to feel validated their own decision, other parents feel like they have to convince you to make the same choices they have.
Because if you agree with them, they must be making the right decision.
It’s one way we manifest the anxiety and pressure of parenting.
The reality is, there is a vast array of ways to raise your child. Each of us has our own values and beliefs. Parenting in a way that aligns with the core of who you are allows you to share that which is most meaningful to you with your children.
And that means we’ll all do it a little differently.
To allow ourselves permission to parent in a way that aligns with our values, we need to release the anxiety that can come with all these perceived “shoulds.”
Mindfulness is a great tool for helping us each stay centered and true to ourselves through our journey as parents. It is simple, accessible, portable, flexible and effective. There is plenty of research to back that statement up. That mindfulness reduces stress, anxiety and depression and increases happiness. That is can be used to treat PTSD, traumatic brain injuries, and simply help people live happier lives.
So why doesn’t everyone use mindfulness?
Good question. I think one of the reasons is misunderstandings about what mindfulness is. That mindfulness has to be meditation, sitting cross-legged on the floor in total silence. Meditation is definitely an option, but it is far from the only one.
As I tell my clients, a mindfulness practice is anything you do that allows you to be present in this moment in your body. This can include walking, being in nature, gardening, cooking, running, painting, playing an instrument, breath practices, washing the dishes, and more. The list is endless, because each of us is unique and we find our own sense of peace in different ways.
The reason mindfulness works is because it brings us into the present moment. Anxiety comes from worrying about what was or what will be. In this moment, right here, right now, I’m okay. It also allows us to relax our baseline anxiety or stress, so that when something does happen we are more able to deal with it effectively. And it prevents us from being in a constant fight/flight/freeze adrenaline cycle that can be exhausting.
We all learn differently. Some people love learning things on youtube. Others prefer to read a book. For many of us, especially when it comes to mindfulness practices, it can be easiest to learn with someone else to guide us. Common places to connect with support around mindfulness are yoga studios and meditation centers. Those are great resources if you feel comfortable practicing in a room full of people and find yoga or meditation relatively easy. If not, you might benefit from working with someone like me to help create an individualized approach.
I truly believe that everyone can benefit from a regular mindfulness practice. I also believe that that practice can vary greatly in how it looks and I love working with people to help them figure out a practice that really works for them.