Maybe you’ve heard the term Sex-Positive or maybe you haven’t. If you have, you might be wondering what it means? Fair question. Let’s start with that!
The Sex-Positive movement is founded on these 3 beliefs:
- Education: Everyone should have access to comprehensive sex education. This curriculum ideally includes clear education on our bodies and how they work, discussion around gender and gender norms, consent, body positivity, and self-love.
- A Culture of Consent: Consent is fundamental to all experiences of sex and sexuality. That means more than the absence of saying no. It means that each person has an enthusiastic yes each time.
- Defining Ourselves: We each get to decide for ourselves how we want to identify. There are a lot of ways to do so and that diversity is awesome. This includes gender, sexual identity, and sexual preferences.
And, so, Sex-Positive Parenting is about raising our children with these values.
If this already feels uncomfortable, that’s okay. Depending on your own upbringing and the conversations you’ve had about sexuality throughout your life, this may be fairly new and uncomfortable for you. Or it may be totally in your wheelhouse. Either way, becoming a parent gives you the opportunity to think about your relationship with your own body and sexuality and how you want to impact your child(ren) as they develop their sense of self.
Said in another way, sex-positive parenting is about creating space to talk about sex and sexuality, removing the shame, and keeping everyone safe. Most of us can agree to support those ideas. How we do them can differ quite a bit depending on our own experiences and beliefs.
Let’s start with education. The World Health Organization released the International technical guidance on sexuality education in January of 2018. This 138-page document has a lot of awesome information. It defines comprehensive sexuality education as scientifically accurate, age-appropriate, culturally relevant, contextually appropriate, and transformative.
In the U.S. there is a big debate about abstinence only education vs a more comprehensive approach to health and sex education.
Research shows that that comprehensive sex education programs contribute to having sex later, having less partners, and less risk taking.
It is also shown to contribute to higher use of condoms and contraception when individuals do become sexually active. Conversely, research shows abstinence only programs to be ineffective in delaying sexual activity and result in less use of condoms and contraception. So whether your family values center around safely exploring sexuality and your own identity or delaying sex, a comprehensive program is more likely to assist you in your desired outcome.
Another bonus of providing comprehensive sex education in our schools is that if you are not comfortable talking about sex with your child, or vice versa, you know the conversation is still happening. As Heather Corina shares from a teen contributor to their book, S.E.X. the all you need to know sexuality guide to get you through your teens and twenties, “My parents don’t talk to me about their sex life, so why should I talk to them about mine?”
Each family’s dynamics are different. Even if you and your child(ren) are super close and talk about everything, it may be more comfortable for everyone to have someone else they feel safe with handle talking about sex and sexuality questions. Chances are they are talking to their friends and getting some misinformation. Part of sex-positive parenting is having resources, such as the book mentioned above, and providing safe spaces to have conversations with someone who is knowledgeable about sexuality AND about your family values. That someone may be a teacher, a counselor, a pastor, or a family friend. Whoever it is, make sure they are someone who is really comfortable talking about sexuality in an open and shame free way.
Consent is one of my strongest values, and a big topic in the world these days with the #Me, Too movement. There are a lot of ways to look at and teach consent. I love that this conversation is happening in so many different places. Popular TV shows are doing episodes on consent, people are talking about in on social media platforms, stand up comedians are using it in their routines, and so many more places. I have a great graphic novel on consent that I share with my teen clients.
The most important thing to remember when it comes to consent is:
Consent is not just the absence of NO,
It is an ENTHUSIASTIC YES!
If you want more ways to think about and talk about consent with your children, check out my blog here.
Defining ourselves is a big topic these days in a way it likely wasn’t when you were growing up. While gender differences are not new – they have been around for hundreds of years all around the globe – the openness to discuss gender, sexual orientation, sexual expression, and the choices presented have shifted vastly in the past several years.
This is awesome. No longer are people left to feel like the way they feel is wrong, that nobody else feels this way, or to feel like they have no choice. The rates of self-harm and depression in people who do identity as outside the norm are significantly reduced when these conversations happen. That said, this doesn’t mean there aren’t growing pains for our society in this area.
If your child comes to you and shares that they do not identify in the way that you have always seen them that can be hard to hear and adjust to. Like other aspects of sex and sexuality, this is a great time to have a trusted person to talk to about what is going on. For both of you! You need space to talk about your feelings and grief, and they need someone who can be there to hear their journey without the personal reaction you are bound to have.
As a parent, the most important thing you can do in this situation, or any really, is to say I Love You.
Let your child know that, while you may struggle and it may take a while to figure things out and adjust as a family, you hear them and you love them. Again, those precepts of sex-positive parenting – make a safe space to talk, avoid shame, and find or create the supports needed to keep everyone safe.
Even if your child is cis-gendered and straight, chances are they are going to bring up conversations from school and friends that will catch you unprepared. If this happens, you can teach your child a lot about acceptance and self-education by learning together.