In a recent conversation with my uncle, he shared a piece of advice his mother had shared when he was growing up:
It’s important for couples to make space for themselves as individuals.
I love knowing this about my grandma ~ that she believed in and valued making space for herself apart from her roles as wife and mother. And that, all these years later, her son is passing along the wisdom she shared with him.
Our parents shape so much of who we become, both in the ways we want to emulate them and in the ways we want to be different. One of the things I sincerely want to model for my children is how to be in healthy and loving relationships.
That feels big and encompasses a lot.
There are so many ways to love and show up. My partner and I are both very openhearted people. One of our primary values as individuals within our partnership is to maintain our openheartedness in all the relationships in our lives. That means making space for the people we care about, showing up fully, and connecting with authenticity and vulnerability. It also means talking about what is important to us and honoring each other’s needs.
We also talk frequently about how we want to show up for our children and what we want to intentionally model for them. It ranges – from taking the time to greet each other with a kiss each time we reconnect, to sharing gratitude’s for one another at the dinner table, and making time to see friends with and without family. Perhaps most important is how we show up for each other.
Which bring us to the part that is about you and your partner:
How do you show up for each other?
What are your shared values around intimacy and parenting?
Do you make space for each other as intimate partners and lovers?
As any parent knows, having children changes things. Life is fuller, we have more demands and often less resources. Time becomes a precious commodity, as does intimacy.
Research has shown time and again that THE most important thing we can remember to do within our partnerships, especially after we become parents and our time and energy are pulled in different ways, is to turn towards our partners.
Turning towards means that if your partner asks you a question, makes a request, or shares something from his/her/their day, that you take the time to listen and respond. It doesn’t mean saying yes, necessarily. It simply means showing your partner that you value
him/her/them enough to pause and be present.
Here are the things I hope my children remember when they grow up and reflect on what we, their parents, modeled in our intimate relationship:
- Humor and playfulness
- Knowing how to fight fair, and how to come back together
- Physical intimacy as a natural, healthy and frequent experience
How will your children remember you and your relationship with their other parent?