One of the scariest things in the world can be letting someone really see us. Especially when we’ve been abused, assaulted, or harmed in any way. We worry about what people will think about us, that they might see us a broken or weak or less than. We struggle to say the words out loud because, in saying them, it makes what happened to us feel more real. And we stay silent because we are afraid of what might happen if we do speak our pain.
Janet Mock writes beautifully and opening about her own experiences with childhood abuse in her book, Redefining Realness. She shares her mixed up thought process, of a child who mistook abuse as love. And she writes about her experience of healing as she realized both what had happened and why she’d responded the way she did.
“I remained silent because I was taught to believe that my silence would protect me, cradle me…”
When she first was approached about sharing her story – in particular, about her life as a trans woman – she was scared to share her story, to be “othered.” When she decided to say yes and share her story, the first version was partial at best. Yet even then, she realized that in sharing her story she received a deep gift herself. The gift of letting herself be seen.
“I had to be honest with myself about the totality of my experiences, and opening up to the world – even if the story disclosed only a facet of my journey – was a gift.”
Sharing our story is a gift to ourselves, even if we’re not ready to share all of it. By sharing out story, we let ourselves be seen.
We live in a world that is not safe. Nearly 700,000 children are abused annually in the U.S. 60,000 of those children experience sexual abuse. Every 98 seconds, someone is the U.S. is sexually assaulted. 1 out of every 6 women, and 1 out of 33 men, in America experience rape in their lifetime.
I share these statistics not to scare you. Rather, I share them to let you know that you are not alone in your experience. Being touched with out your consent is not okay. Saying no, and then continuing to be pressured or manipulated is not okay. Being hurt by those we love is not okay. We may know the story of our abuser and have compassion for why they’ve hurt us. Having a compassionate heart heals us. It doesn’t make it less painful to be hurt, or excuse the abuse in any way.
Chatting with a recent client of mine who was sexually assaulted by a friend, we were discussing her feelings towards the man who assaulted her. She has an incredible heart and cares deeply for others. Her open heart is a gift and strength. She also has a hard time allowing herself to feel angry. Anger scares her. It feels like if she really let herself get angry about all the pain she has experienced ~ with a mother who struggles with mental illness, a father who sometimes drinks too much, and this recent sexual assault, ~ the anger would take over. She deals by saying she doesn’t want anything bad to happen to anyone else, no matter how they have harmed her. And she hides away from people, to keep herself safe.
We both know this isn’t sustainable ~ it’s why she came to see me, and it’s something we’re working on. Perhaps you can relate.
Healing from abuse, assault or harm requires being honest with ourselves about what happened. It also requires letting a small group of safe people, maybe even just 1, really see us. Letting ourselves be seen and loved for all of who we are doesn’t make the pain and anger go away. What it does do is give us the strength and support to feel those difficult emotions, reconnect with our wholeness, and begin to trust again.