In a recent conversation with a dear friend she talked about why she and her husband have stayed together, despite varied challenges and infidelities over the years. As she talked about her experience, one sentence stayed with me:
“I know that we can process anything.”
Feeling safe enough with someone to step into the mud ~ to be vulnerable, to explore the unmet needs you each have that contribute to those bumps, to talk about those moments without retreating or blaming ~ that’s HUGE.
And it doesn’t happen on it’s own. It takes work, both individually and together. It takes the willingness to step into the mud in the first place. As the Buddhist saying goes, “No Mud, No Lotus.”
When I work with couples, often the thing at the root the struggle is emotional safety. Feeling safe enough to ask a difficult question and hear the honest answer. Feeling safe enough to answer honestly when asked a difficult question.Feeling safe enough to show up and allow your feelings to come to the surface.Feeling safe enough to know you can have a rough conversation, a rough day or even more, and come back together afterwards.
Sometimes it comes back to how we felt about those situations as children. What happened when you were a child and got angry or tearful? How were conflicts handled? Did you see adults around you navigate difficult conversations and maintain their love and care for one another at the same time?
Other times is related to this particular relationship. When we repeatedly feel shut down, disconnected, or not prioritized, over time we may develop the belief that speaking about our hurts and concerns isn’t worth it because nothing changes. Later, when our partner shows up to the conversation and says they’re ready, we may have a hard time believing them.
Ruptures are a fact of life. They happen in all relationships. The beauty is that these ruptures, or moments of disconnect, are actually incredibly opportunities for connection. When we take the time to repair from these ruptures, we have the opportunity to deepen our relationship.
Repair requires a couple of things: insight and attunement. Insight is the process of checking in with ourselves to notice why we’re feeling what we’re feeling. Attunement is the process of checking in with our partner to see things from their perspective. When we’re both able to acknowledge our own response and really listen to where the other person is coming from, we can process the root cause of whatever is going on and come back together.
Processing together and taking the time to repair the hurt deepens our connection and sense of safety. It shows that we can be messy and still be loved.