It seems like every certification or degree I’ve done has, at some point, required a family tree project. From preschool to grad school.
When I was little it was fun. I remember looking at family photos of distant relatives and interviewing grandparents and aunts and uncles. I learned all sorts of family history. But by college I’d come to loathe these projects. It seemed like everyone else’s family tree made sense and fit nicely on one 8 1/2 x 11 sheet. And then there’d be me, unfolding pages taped in all kinds of wonky directions. One look and the teacher would give me an A, which pissed me off even more. If I was going to take the time to do the project, they the least they could do is read the thing!
As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned to embrace my wonky, convoluted family tree. After all, each of the people on it is a part my story, part of where I’ve come from and who I became. And I like who I am.
When people express sympathy or curiosity, my answer is that it’s cool because each person who’s come into my family taught me something and extended the people who love me. It may have started as a quick answer to stop deeper probing, but it’s also true.
Explaining my family tree and all it’s crazy nooks and crannies isn’t for here – trust me, it takes a full-on diagram with annotated notes to make any sense. What I would like to share with you is a list of some of the people on it and the things they’ve taught me:
My birth father left when I was 2 years old. He’s been a missing puzzle piece who continues to figure into my life with questions about my biological story, as well as with the sister I gained because of him. Looking at photos, I see my sister and myself in his face and wonder what else we’ve inherited from him.
My papa was present at my birth and became my papa on my fourth birthday. He also brought a sibling into my life, a brother this time. Papa was an artist and visits to his place in Pioneer Square often involved hanging out in studios where the adults talked art, sex and politics. Because of him I have a strong appreciation for art and creativity, and an awareness that in divorce there is often no one person at fault. He modeled the idea of giving oneself permission to pursue your dreams and how to create community repeatedly in new places.
My dad came into my life when I was 9. He often said that he was different from many people because he found change to be exciting and positive. He was a naturalist and had a deep love of nature, gardening and wildlife. Because of him I know random facts about our local orca whale pods (J, K & L), how to identify a brown creeper, and that tomato starts should be planted 2/3rd under ground. Dad also modeled loving people as they are and embracing their challenges as much as their strengths.
My mom continues to model how to love deeply and openly. She gave me permission to be myself, to explore the world knowing she is always be there to help me land. She has also shared her passion for travel and a deeply rooted sense of place. Perhaps most of all, she helped me learn how to love while honoring my own boundaries in a way that allows me to feel safe and create my own way.
My sister taught me that it’s not always about me, and that people need to find a way to give themselves permission to identify what they need. Her adoptive parents are awesome.
My brother took our papa’s creative streak and turned it into something more lucrative by becoming a video game artist. Fun fact – he and I are only 2 days apart in age. Growing up on opposite sides of the country, our conversations explored the ideas of extended and chosen family.
My clarinet teacher was my grandpa in every way that mattered. He taught me my love of music, the idea of playing with music and going outside the lines. To his dismay, I never quite embraced jazz improv. He also taught me to make space for the ones you love. Frank became a part of our family and when he died, my dad was there with him playing the mandolin.
My aunt and I share a passion for people and exploring our inner workings. Visits with her have always included long, intellectual conversations about neurobiology and epigenetics. We also have a lot of fun playing with beads to make jewelry and finding great places to eat.
My partner has taught me how to make space for “the me, the we and the us.” As we travel the road of parenthood together, he is always so good at making sure we make space for all the relationships we value. I love watching him goof around with our children, hearing about his newest creative pursuit (he’s now a published author!) and finding time to play together.
My list could go on forever. Each person who has come into my life – by blood, marriage, and choice – has become a part of my story and shaped who I’ve become. And that’s not static. Each new person I meet continues to influence me, offer new thoughts and ways of seeing the world, and spaces to explore my own experiences. I am grateful to all of them.
I’m curious – Who are some of the people who have shaped or influenced you?