We live in a world right now with significantly more options around gender and sexuality than have been openly supported in past generations. Families sit around the dinner table discussing the possibility of gender neutral bathrooms at school, policy around gender and sexuality is being debated by our courts and politicians, and friends and loved ones are taking that brave step to share their own stories around gender and sexuality.
For those of you Millenials or Gen Zers, your experience of gender and sexuality is in some ways radically different than previous generations. This expansive, fluid, open way of relating to gender and sexuality is awesome – and it comes with it’s own growing pains.
One of the primary growing pains I hear about from so many of you is the friction with your families. Figuring out how to live your own truth, while also figuring out how to have what feels like a good relationship with your parents and older relatives is complex and confusing. Your reality and awareness of privilege, intersectionality, sexuality and gender fluidity, and the very real economic strife and job difficulties your generations experience ALL contribute to this challenge.
How then, to explore gender and sexuality in a way that allows you to be true to yourself? This is the million-dollar question.
How do I create a life for myself that allows me to step into my dreams, to create relationships that feel nourishing, to explore and experiment with who and how I want to live and love, AND stay connected to my family?
The first, bold step is to begin to listen inward and discover what those dreams and desires are, to develop a deep and nourishing relationship with yourself. Maybe you already feel like you’ve got this one nailed. If so, that’s AWESOME.
If you are struggling with this step, or unsure of how to even begin to think about developing a deep and nourishing relationship with yourself, that’s okay too. Many of us need help getting out of our heads and into our hearts. Strong and supportive friendships can be a huge part of this process. As can a counselor.
It’s common, as we begin developing some healthy ways of being with ourselves and looking at some of the places we struggle, to identify that some of the friendships we’ve cultivated have become pain points. They probably didn’t start out that way. Just like any other way of supporting ourselves (aka coping skills), friendships that at one point really nourished us sometimes stop feeling so good. As the saying goes, People come into our lives for a REASON, a SEASON, or a LIFETIME.
Surround yourself with people who love you JUST AS YOU ARE. Seek out spaces and mentors, online or in person, that feel welcoming, open, and willing to sit with you in moments of challenge. Identify and connect with your tribe. And give yourself a break if you experience some hiccups along the way. We all do.
As you begin to explore WHAT LIGHTS YOU UP, WHAT MAKES YOUR SOUL HAPPY, you’ll discover that you already knew many of the answers. When this happens, the question to play with is, “Why didn’t I realize this ages ago? How was I getting in my own way?” And more fun, “How can I start doing MORE OF THIS?”
You’ll also probably start to have your share of vulnerability hangovers. Here are those growing pains rearing their ugly heads again. Transformational growth is amazing, and totally worth celebrating and embracing! It is also often incredibly hard.
Be gentle with yourself. Know that each day is it’s own experience. And that it’s just about identifying that next right step. And reach out for help. You don’t have to go it alone.
Once you make the courageous decision to explore your inner self, to become friends with yourself, and to seek out people and places that make you feel welcome just as you are, the next step to play with how to be yourself with your family.
This step is all about developing healthy boundaries, learning how to advocate for yourself and your rights, and cultivating self-compassion for yourself along the way. These skills take some intention and effort. And perhaps support from those mentors you identified along the way.
Each of us gets to design and create our own path. Healthy boundaries may look vastly different from person to person. As will how you decide to advocate for yourself. Remember that each day is it’s own experience. Listen to that voice inside yourself that knows what is true for you. Find friends and mentors who help you trust yourself. And be true to your own heart.