“By listening to, and believing, the young people who say that they are trans we have the chance to end that pattern of isolation and self-loathing, to make the experience of being unconditionally loved the norm, rather than the exception.” ~ CN Lester
I work with a number of youth who identify as transgender, gender non-conforming, or gender fluid. The experience of this current generation around gender and sexuality is so much different that it was just a generation ago. And yet, there is still a lot of hate and stigma in our day-to-day existence.
Here are some interesting statistics:
- 1 out of 137 teens identify as transgender
- The number of trans teens who report their mental health as “very good” or “excellent” jumps from 15% to 70% when given positive emotional support and resources
- Suicide attempt rates among trans teens plummet from 57% to 4% when given positive emotional support and resources
For the older generation of individuals who identify as transgender, gender non-conforming, or queer, the experience of coming out to families and friends was often difficult, sometimes even traumatic. Thankfully the experience of our younger generation is more often one of acceptance and support.
The organizers of the annual Gender Odyssey Conference acknowledged this when they shifted away from offering programming for adults who identify as transgender this year and chose to focus in on the experience of families currently supporting transgender youth. We are shape shifting this reality moment to moment. It is wonderful that Gender Odyssey is cultivating space for this newer affirming, accepting experience to take root.
CN Lester also touches on this when they write about how their generation lost their elders to AIDS/HIV and trauma, and how much they want to help their peers heal so that they can step up and be elders for this new generation. How powerful it is for these current children and young adults to have elders in whom they can see reflections of themselves. And to have words with which to name their internal experience, because it is openly talked about and expressed.
From within individual families, the trans community at large, and the organizations and associations created to support trans individuals, this generation clearly has a much different experience.
That breaks my heart wide open ~ with grief for the challenges that have been faced and the trauma work to still be done, as well as for the support we see wrapping itself around these young people. And with the realization that, while young trans people have a much different experience, it is still far from easy or trauma free. Just read the reports on the numbers of trans people being beaten and killed for being themselves, or watch videos of some of our congressional debates around gender specific laws under negotiation. It’s a better world, but our work is far from over.
The important thing for parents and other adults in the lives of young trans people to know is HOW IMPACTFUL the support of one’s family can be. As shown in the statistics above, suicide rates plummet 15 fold, and rates of positive mental health increase 3 fold. That is a HUGE impact.
One of the mothers I work with had a breakthrough at last year’s Gender Odyssey Conference with the concept of being In IT versus being an Ally. As parents or supportive adults in the lives of children who are transgender, gender non-conforming, or queer, it’s an important distinction.
We are here as Allys for these young people – to support them, offer unconditional love, and create safety in our own homes and in the larger world. We can do this by listening to them, connecting with community so they have that wonderful feeling of being with others who have similar lived experience, and by advocating in both our daily interactions and in the larger society in which we live.
For those of us who do not identify as trans ourselves, we are not In It with them, because we do not have the lived experience of being in a body that doesn’t match who we know ourselves to be, or having to justify to the world that same identity. We don’t share the same daily experiences. But we can and do stand with them and support them.
If you are a parent, a family member, a mentor, or any other adult who loves a young person who happens to be transgender, gender non-conforming or queer, THE most important thing you can do is offer your love and support, and to listen. It matters more than you may ever know.