Listening to a podcast this week, I was struck by this powerful statement made by Andy Izenson:
Cultivating relationships that are resilient enough to take ‘ouch,’ ‘oops,’ and ‘no.’
Isn’t that the truth of it all? When we feel held and supported unconditionally, in a way that makes it totally safe to speak our needs even when they include ‘ouch,’ ‘oops,’ and ‘no,’ that is a powerful place to be with our partners.
Let’s pause for a moment to just take that in. When do you remember feeling totally safe with another human being? When do you remember feeling unconditionally loved and accepted, with all your scars and flaws? When was the last time it felt safe to say ouch,’ ‘oops,’ or ‘no,’ within an intimate relationship? When was the last time you gave yourself permission to feel ‘ouch’ or ‘oops’ without self-judgment?
Relationships are where to get to dance on our growth edges. Within relationship we play together, explore intimacy together, mess up together, and learn to trust together. When we trust our partners enough to be vulnerable, we share all the beautiful, messy truths of who we are. And that is where the magic truly happens.
That can also be the places that feel the scariest to step into.
One of the best things about sharing this dance, is we get to mess up and come back together. It’s in these moments where we come back together, these moments of repair, that our growth edges expand. And expanding those growth edges can hurt – just like the growing pains of childhood, when our bodies where stretching into our adult selves.
Self-compassion is a really wonderful companion to help with these adult growing pains.
So how, then, do we identify and step into self-compassion when our own inner critic rears their head and starts to tear us down? That is such a good question.
Kristen Neff is an amazing resource on self-compassion. As part of her post-doctoral work, she began to study self-compassion in depth and has created an 8-week program offered across the country on how to teach and utilize self-compassion in our daily lives. Her site offers several free tools to use as an entry point into developing self-compassion, ranging from treating ourselves as we would a good friend to identifying what it is we really want and reframing our inner dialogue to achieve that destination.
When it comes to relationships, offering ourselves self-compassion for the places we struggle, the growth edges we rub up against again and again, allows us to be more authentically and honestly present with our partner. If we are able to offer ourselves compassion and acknowledge the places that hurt, we can take the next step and allow that part of ourselves to be seen by our intimate partners.
Creating a space of safety that allows us to put those feelings into words and share our fears and challenges with our loved ones lets them be on the inside of life with us. Instead of pushing them away because we are ashamed or embarrassed, we invite our partner to witness us and support us in working towards that destination we really want to achieve. Together. And we feel into those moments of ‘ouch,’ ‘oops,’ and ‘no’ in a way that brings us closer together, rather than further apart.