I was having a conversation recently with a woman who is in the process of opening up her relationship. In talking about how it is working out so far, she shared that she feels like the conversations she and her husband are having now are conversations that every couple should have. She’s never before considered that she could talk about what she wants from her partner sexually. The experience of having sex with someone who asks for consent frequently throughout the intimate encounter has been amazingly healing. And learning to talk with her husband about what her experiences, figuring out what she wants to share about her other relationships and how to share that information, is uncomfortable – in the BEST of ways.
For this young woman, learning how to have difficult conversations may be the biggest gift opening her relationship offers to her marriage.
One of the things that Brené Brown writes about in her book, Daring Greatly, is sex and shame and how to cultivate shame resilience. She writes, “(shame resilience is) the ability to practice authenticity when we experience shame, to move through the experience without sacrificing our values, and come out the other side of the shame experience with more courage, compassion, and connection than we had going in.”
Shame is a social construct. It happens in the interactions between people, when one person perceives what they have done as shameful in relation to the other’s response or experience.
An example – I remember a day in high school, we were going over test results and our teacher asked us to check our answers with others who had gotten them correct as a peer teaching moment. I was a straight A student, so it was an unusual experience for me to have to ask another student to see their answer. As I was looking at the answer of a student who had aced the test, I noticed the answer was actually wrong. Without thinking, I spoke up to share and ask for clarification. The teacher and the other students assumed I was trying to embarrass the student whose test I was comparing with because I was upset about my own test scores. Their assumption was totally incorrect – I was simply confused and wanted to know what the correct answer was so I could learn the material. And yet, when I saw the looks on their faces I felt intense shame at what I had done.
The etymology of the word, shame, dates back to an Old Norse word that literally translated into “cheek-redness” and an Old English word that translated into “disgrace,” “dishonor,” or “loss of esteem.” Linked back to the story of my high school mishap, the reactions of my teacher and classmate did indeed reddened my cheeks and I felt a great loss of esteem in the idea that they thought I simply couldn’t stand for someone else to have gotten right what I missed. That perception, that I would be so hurtful to another out of pride, caused a great deal of shame. My actual actions in that moment did not cause me shame, it was the perception of others that filled me with a deep discomfort, and created a moment I remember to this day.
Linking this back to sex and intimacy, Brené Brown shares some interesting research on sex and shame in that same book, Daring Greatly. In interviewing men of all ages, she identified a commonality related to sex and self-esteem. Her research highlighted how our society teaches young men that they must be the ones to initiate all things sexual, and that their value lies in their sexual achievements. A neighbor I used to have once told me, “a guy who has less than 12 partners in a year is shameful, but a woman who has more than 12 partners in her lifetime is a slut.” This comment horrified me at the time, and makes my heart sad still.
A social wound needs a social balm. When it comes to sex and intimacy, we have to heal these unconscious/subconscious patterns and beliefs within relationship. Because shame has it’s roots in how we feel or fear being perceived, the balm lies in being able to be witnessed by another as worthy, as enough, as lovable. In Brené Brown’s research, the answer that surfaced repeatedly was that the social balm for sexual shame in relationships was “honest, loving conversations that require major vulnerability.”
This definitely proved to be true in a restorative justice conversation I recently facilitated. Without sharing details that might identify anyone, the desired outcome that came out of our conversation from the individual who had been harmed by someone she loved was to hear that person speak about the experience from his own vulnerability. She didn’t want to hear, “I’m sorry.” She wanted to be met emotionally and to hear the story of how this story came to be and how it had deeply impacted him, both at the time and later on. To have an honest, loving and vulnerable conversation. As we’re starting to acknowledge more and more, toxic masculinity hurts us all.
Tying it back to the young couple I mentioned at the beginning of this blog, she is right on the money. Opening up their relationship has created a need for those “honest, loving conversations that require major vulnerability.” Because they are so committed to one another and want to open their relationship in a way that honors each person’s sovereignty within the relationship, they are also committed to figuring out how to have these conversations.
It’s definitely not easy. And it often takes help. I can promise each of you that when you choose to step into these conversations with a partner or partners of your own there will be moments of hurt, of misunderstanding, of confusion and frustration. But there will also be deep moments of connection and clarity, opportunities to be fully seen and loved exactly as you are. And the chance to shift, and perhaps, heal some of your own internal shame beliefs.